Catherine McGrath was nervous. She always was when she ‘talked’ with John. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to explain herself clearly and that yet again, their problems wouldn’t be solved. Catherine had managed to convince John to come for a walk but they’d stopped at a bench, not too far from the house so they could gather their thoughts. Catherine sat down whilst John leant forward on the bench – a dark look on his face.
Finally, he sighed, his shoulders sagging a little as he walked round the bench to join her. He shuffled closer and pulled her into a strained cuddle. Catherine broke down into tears.
“I will always love you” John murmured, making Catherine cry harder. She pulled away, shaking her head until her long wavy hair completely covered her face. Smiling slightly, as though amused by her attempt to hide her tears, he cupped her chin and whispered:
“I mean it” he wiped away the tears from her eyes and kissed the streaks they’d left on her face.
“Nothing you do will ever change the way I feel, but this is no longer me. It has to be goodbye.”
Catherine nodded, knowing there was nothing she could do to change his mind. Seeming satisfied, he nodded and stood up brusquely. He straightened his jacket, kissed her hard on her lips and walked towards the main road. He paused to look back at her before he stepped into the road and disappeared under a white van.
The ending's rediculously funny, you can't fail to laugh at it; not after you've read the line twice to make sure what just happened happened. I'd be really interested to see this going further, as there's so much room for expansion. The back story of the two chaarcters, and the effect of John's untimely death on Catherine. I also find it funny how that John seems like a little bit of a lying, arrogant, dick in this piece.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of improvement, when i suggested expansion, it really is necessary to improve, it's far too sparse. I would also look to your repetition. The same words are used over and over again and the prose seem's flat and uninspiring.
Lot's of potential though.
Oh good- I was going for an ironic sort of ending so if you laughed this is good! I hadn't thought about expanding it, but I will look into it - it was originally about 400 words so I did have to cut it down. How long do you reckon it should be?
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough, for my creative voice I'm commenting on how I seem to repeat myself a lot! Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
:)